indian

there's this hot indian guy i'm talking to. i really really really like him and he fucking drives me crazy. i don't think i can ever tell him that though. he has a lot of issues and sometimes he confuses me. he says he wants one thing but he forgets and asks for something else. i like him so much because i never met anyone like him before. he's open about some embarrassing things and he doesn' t care what people think. i love it when we ride in his car and hold hands. he starts talking about bullshit or things that really close to his heart. whatever it is, i love watching him talk and smile. i love his mouth. i think that's what attracted me to him. his lips are pouty and his teeth are so white and straight. when he smiles at me i think of jumping him! he's so cute!!

drained.

i've noticed two parts of my life are extremely draining: church and my love life. i was remembering a conversation i had with Chris. we were talking about goals and how he wants to bring his son here from Colombia. when talking about family, i flat out told him i wasn't interested in guys and i want to be alone. even though that's 100% true, i do feel the void (emotionally and physically). every time i get that itch, i try to remember my last 2 boyfriends. that ALWAYS smacks me back into place. the 1st ex was a good guy at heart, but he knew how to hurt me and did it well. the 2nd ex was a good guy too. i still love him, but we just can't be together. i feel like i just can't be with anyone, even if i really like the person. it would be too much to handle. i pretty much know how to deal with the guy thing without going off the deep end. sometimes i do think i will break, but i don't think it's because i really need anyone. i think i just feel empty, whether i'm with someone or not. i've been really careful not to find some idiot to fuck just the satisfy the loneliness. that would just be another problem. it's definitely getting harder though. as far as church goes, that's an enigma by itself. i can't explain it and i can't understand it. i just feel like i'm wasting my time going and i don't see what i'm getting out of it. i've been making an effort the last couple of month to see if something will change. it has. even though it's extremely slow and painful, i do feel like i'm changing. the problem comes in when i try to figure out if i'm change for the better or worse. whenever i go to church and i talk to my friends, i feel fine and almost happy. whenever i go to church and listen to the service, i start thinking about the past and how it effected me. i start wondering about my mistakes and what i'm doing wrong now. i wonder if anything i do or try to is worth anything and why is changing anything important in the first place. what if being a wreck is what i was suppose to be. what if i'm not the special snowflake everyone thinks i am. brady's message really touched me the other day. when i read it, i felt happy to know that being oneself is enough. i don't have to be the best at everything and there are people out there that will love and accept me that way the i am. people at church are really nice (most of them), but i feel like they just like me because they are made to. when i go to church i look for people that i feel do really relate to me. i don't really bother with the fake ones. that might not sound very christain-like, but i just feel like i don't want to be bothered with them. maybe that'll change. who knows? i don't anything. i'm confused. i don't know what's up or down. all i know is what i feel and that's my only compass. it's the only thing i know is real. i basically know what Pastor Lydia would say to me right now. she'd say i need to bury myself in the church. it's the only way to build up my faith. i have no faith. this is probably why i listen to my feelings more than what the church has to say. i don't believe the church; i don't trust her. i think it's because i've been hurt by people in the church. i know it's not everyone there, but it was enough for me to leave. that was something i never thought i would do. i was so grounded and in love with God. it hurts me now to think about leaving like that. at the time, it felt like my only option. i don't really think i regret it when i think about my expierence that last 4 years, but it hurts like a fucking bitch when i'm in front of Him face to face. i almost can't forgive myself for doing it now. i'll have to find a way eventually. THIS HURTS. A LOT. ...................... Bishop Ray heard me yell out to God once. he said i made a mistake and if i can believe it, it was erased from God's memory. i do believe it, but i can't erase it from my memory. until i understand it, i don't think i can. God will basically do anything to get me back. i'm pretty scared of that, especially because i've been warned. i don't know what to think of it, but i know that i didn't come this far for nothing. i know it's up to me now. everything is up to me. i just wish everything that's been holding me back was understandable. in understanding, i can forget. maybe i just need to understand myself more. i just need more time. i guess time will heal wounds.

i'm on hold.

Lately i feel like my life is moving very slowly. everything i want to do as far as goals are coming around when they feel like it. i guess it's not a bad thing to grow patience, but i totally just want to satisfy my id. i try to be very careful and not wild out on decisions. it really doesn't seem to pay off. either way i'm still not satisfied. i wish i had the opportunity to just go off the wall and the courage to do it. maybe in the future i'll take advantage . right now i'll just sit here scared.

i think my "being careful" is a cover up for not being brave enough.

Brady puts it best.

Monday, January 14, 2008

What am I?

"I've been trying to find the answer to this question for a long time now, and to be honest it's scaring me to death. because, I don't think there is a concrete answer to this question, and after a few months, I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I will never have a set of principles to define myself by. Because on a superficial level, my friends will change, my style changes, my possessions change, and on an internal level my thoughts, my emotions and my beliefs will always be in flux, changing on a weekly if not daily basis, this means I have to face the facts that the only way to define me is to say that I am potentiality, possibility in the making. Because I have the potential to be as bad as I want or as good as I want, as motivated as I want or as lazy as I want, to fight or to let go, to laugh or to cry, to love or to hate. I've done all of these things and I will do them all again. So, in short, I can only define myself as a human being, no better or worse than anyone else. I feel like coming to grips with this is tremendously humbling, as well as extremely liberating! Because on one hand, I'm not a special snowflake, but on the other hand now I know that I no longer have to pretend to be a "somebody" because I'll never be better or worse than anyone else, I'm free to make mistakes, live, love, laugh, grow old and die, because that's what it means to be human, and that's all I am."

by Brady Sprunger

i don't know what to feel anymore

i don't know what to feel anymore. there's so many mixed emotions. it's hard to know what's important in life and what's important to me. i need discernment. i need a way of knowing. i've said before that i'm about truth this time. i sometimes feel like i've found it but accepting it is hard. i sometimes think accepting is easy, but truely believing is hard. i wish it was easy as lust. one direction, one target and no questions, just passion and engagement. i wonder if i'll ever have that first love again. is it possible? is nothing really impossibe for him? does love even exist? or is it all just chemical reactions in a world of science? ANSWER ME PLEASE!

2007 is over

well 2007 is over. hopefully so is all the bullshit.... i want this year to be all about truth. all these years playing games became a coping mechanism and distraction of reality. now it's time to grow up and know the what's real and what's not. 2008 will be a year of revelation.

it's over

after 4 years, it's over. no questions and no arguements.