it's over

after 4 years, it's over. no questions and no arguements.

quote

"love is giving someone the power to break your heart and the trust that they won't"

loneliness

i heard somewhere that Buddhist believe suffering is the catalyst for growth. i don't believe in a lot of things, but this makes sense to me. my suffering has always been loneliness. it's been a kind of self-fulfilling prophesy. 'expect it and it'll happen' kinda-thing. loneliness without motivation only leads to more loneliness. it's a not fulfilling life; it's just existing. why exist if participating in life is hard? it's always been dream of mine to just let out of so many barriers and to go on as a new person. finding the way is hard part. which path is right and how do you find it? i guess everyone has there own way. there are so many different kinds of people; it only makes sense for each one to have a different way of defining themselves. i plan on finding my path soon. the right one.

hagamos el amor con la ropa

i need some perreo!!! hagamos el amor con la ropa....siente la pasion de reggae!!!! tratratratratra ;P

christmas trees beware!!

Last week i was looking forward to having a real christmas tree this year! my mom called me while shopping and told me she already got a fake one. i went home and found a dinky lil tree standing in the living with 2 ornaments!! I TORE THAT SHIT DOOOOOOWWN!! last night i came to realize that i got my period the day after. i never realized how badly i behave while pms-ing. (it's actually a lil funny now) So christmas trees beware!!!!

ensename a olividarte

sera esto un sueño, que te perdi, que en verdad ya no te tengo
cuanto quisiera cerrar mis ojos y empezar de nuevo
sera possible poder olvidar aquel romance apasionado
sera possible un dia decirte que por fin ya no te amo
lo dudo mucho mi amor, es como ver a un pez del mar poder volar
anque te deje de amar, es imposible que te pueda olvidar
si me enseñaste a querer tambien enseñame olvidar esto que siento
por que eres tu niña querida la mujer a quien yo amo y a quien quiero
quien sanara este dolor que me dejaste en mi interior cuando te fuiste
quien invento el amor debio dar intruciones pa' evitar el sufrimiento
llevo en mis venas la magia de tus besos el fruto de este amor lo veo como un juego y al fin de la jugada tu saliste ganadoray hoy por ti estoy sufriendo
aprendi amar estando a tu lado me enseñaste a querer y me hiciste un daño
fuiste mi profesora en el amor y en tus clases de amorno me enseñaste de lo malo
si me enseñaste a querer tambien enseñame olvidar esto que siento
porque eres tu niña querida la mujer a quien yo amo y a quien quiero

sabes te amo tanto que me da miedo volver a verte
noooononono ha....let me find out
sera tu ego que te empujo a otro hombre con dinero
y si es asi pues tratare de resignarme por completo
ay dios, seran tus cartas de amor, la soledad que me hace recordarte
o las novelas que tu veias tan anciosa tomando cafe
sabes mi amor mi unica meta fue lograr tenerte aqui
pero hoy perdi la ilusion y la esperanza de que tu vuelvas a mi coro
si me enseñaste a querer tambiem enseñame olvidar esto que siento
porque eres tu niña querida la mujer a quien yo amo y a quien quiero(ayyy)
quien sanara este dolor que me dejaste en mi interior cuando te fuiste
quien invento el amor debiodar intruciones para evitar el sufrimiento
Dios me ha concedido el por lo menos verte
quizas porque rogue una ves mas tenerte
pero hoy me he dado cuenta que no vale
tu presencia si tu a mi ya no me amas
cada mañanita despierta un infeliz
y yo soy uno de ellos por que sufro por ti
papa me dijo que no llore por mujeres y por ti eso es lo que hago
show me how to forget you....oh please mi amor noono show me how to forget you....
oh please mi amor noono
esta noche quiero volver a verte vivir contigo una aventura

~ensename a olividar by aventura

why?

it's sooo fucking frustrating! how do you stay a good person and still go along with what's other people do for the sake of harmony. no one talks about it. they just do it. why? isn't there another way? why hasn't anyone solve the problem? why keep going? hasn't she been tourtured enough! i haven't felt this way in a long time and i don't see a way out. i'm hurt, frustrated, angry and sad for them. if only they can say "don't touch me!". your advocator is coming.

i love surprises

i recently noticed i love getting surprised. i love the feeling knowing that someone went out of their way to make my day. sometimes that someone doesn't even have to try. i was told i pretty on my birthday and i knew it was true statement, especially coming from this guy! it made me feel good about myself. two days ago i walked off my job. i decided to come back and everyone was telling me that one of the troublemakers (who happens to be one of my favs) was upset and stop eating because he thought i wasn't coming back! i was so touched! i just wanted to give him kisses and hugssssssss!!!! i love those surprises!!

lust

he's so unbelievably hot... so sexy. i've never used that word the way i do to describe him. just looking at him is like "whoooa". his eyes say so much and they're beautiful.....so dark and light. i love his face. the way his jet black hair compliments the scruffiness of this jaw line. just want to bite his lips!! i just want to be held by him. his warm body next to mine and his long arms around me..... he's so SEXY!!! i've never been attracted to the "dark, tall and handsome", but this guy is more than that. he's a real MAN. his voice, personality, sexual appeal, everything! it's soo sexy.

sex dream

i had the weirdest sex dream last night. the whole thing was 5 seconds long, but i know it means a lot. i came out the shower and i was only wearing a towel. i sat down on a hammock with this guy i have a crush on from church. so he starts kissing me and trying to get me into it. i'm liking it, but i'm also resisting. slowly i'm really just letting go. every kiss or touch i start noticing he's physically changing. he eventually turns into my ex! not just any ex; this is my biggest "badboy-i'll fuck you anywhere!" ex!! when i realized it was him, it stopped.

i looked up sex dreams on line. this website, www.dreammoods.com, said the hammock symbolized me pushing people away. also, dreaming about crushes is just dreaming about someone you're attracted to. it also said having with a ex or someone who's not your boyfriend means you want a new relationship and the awkwardness i felt might be the fear of feeling things i felt with that ex. it said my ex might be showing me a path; either to remember the good time i had with that person or the mistakes i made.

over all, i think my dream was telling me i'm terrified to get close to this guy, but i really want to. even if there was a way, i can't make the mistakes from before even if it feels right. i'm pretty sure this won't happen. first because he wouldn't let it happen and secondly i'm still pretty loyal to someone else.

Feeling Hopeful

Que mis ojos se despierten con la luz de tu mirada
yo a Dios le pido
que mi madre no se muera y que mi padre me recuerde
a Dios le pido

Que te quedes a mi lado y que más nunca te me vayas mi vida
a Dios le pido
que mi alma no descanse cuando de amarte se trate mi cielo
a Dios le pido
Por los días que me quedan y las noches que aun no llegan
yo a Dios le pido
por los hijos de mis hijos y los hijos de tus hijos
a Dios le pido
Que mi pueblo no derrame tanta sangre y se levante mi gente
a Dios le pido
que mi alma no descanse cuando de amarte se trate mi cielo
a Dios le pido

Un segundo mas de vida para darte
y mi corazón entero entregarte
un segundo mas de vida para darte
y a tu lado para siempre yo quedarme
un segundo mas de vida
yo a Dios le pido

Que si me muero sea de amor
y si me enamoro sea de vos
y que de tu voz
sea este corazón
todos los días
a Dios le pido

que si me muero sea de amor
y si me enamoro sea de vos
y que de tu voz
sea este corazón todos los días
a Dios le pido
a Dios le pido

Juanes~ a Dios le pido

i think i'm eeyore

we're sooo similar. we both quiet and gloomy. we both feel like birthdays are incredibly special occasions. we both love our friends and will sacrifice for them. we both appreciate the small things so much more compared to the big picture. we're both separated but definitely part of the crew. and we both are bashful, but really like being center of attention. i think i'm eeyore!

erika = eeyore

Disney's Character Biography - Eeyore

Gray and gloomy, with a bright pink bow as his only hint of colour. Eeyore is everyone's favourite delightfully dismal donkey. In fact, when one of Eeyore's friends does something nice for him, he morosely responds with a "thanks for noticing me" or a similarly despondent but sincere expression of apprciation.

Eeyore is always greatful even when Rabbit and the others build him a winter home that, according to him, is a dream home that could be a bit drafty and may leak some. Eeyore may not be very perky, but he has a good heart and would quickly sacrifice his own comfort and happiness to help out a friend in need.

This old donkey lives a sedate and often isolated life in the Gloomy Place. Of all the characters, he is the one who always expects the worst to happen, often predicting bad weather, especially when it would ruin social events.
Eeyore, the only character to refer to himself in the third person and the only one to speak overtly of death, is certain that the world is conspiring against him, as when he learns of his missing tail and assumes, not that it has been lost by accident, but that "Somebody must have taken it... How Like Them" (p. 43).

Such cynicism at times becomes an excuse for inertia. The slow-plodding donkey blames overwhelming and anonymous forces for his problems and does not even look for his own tail. Indeed, what appears to be simple self-pity or pessimism on Eeyore's part often serves as an effective means of manipulating others. In the hopes of alleviating his gloominess, characters frequently help Eeyore so that the donkey need not act himself. This is true, for example, when Pooh goes off to find the donkey's missing tail.

In fact, Eeyore maintains a good deal of control, particularly through his use of language. Eeyore's complaints and sarcastic comments allow him to manipulate others in a very effective way. His incessant sarcasm reveals a penetrating insight into events and a keen agility with language. Sarcasm is, after all, expression based on the juxtaposition of what is said with an underlying intent that is often left unstated. Such sarcasm is evident when Pooh visits Eeyore on his birthday and the donkey motions to the empty space before him, complaining wryly, "Look at all the presents I have had... Look at the birthday cake. Candles and pink sugar." When the literal Pooh tells him there are no presents, Eeyore agrees, "'Joke,' he explained. 'Ha ha!'" (p. 63). This "joke" motivates Pooh to celebrate Eeyore's birthday.
Eeyore is a character of some contradictions.

He is the glum philosopher who gazes at his own reflection in the stream and wonders such unanswerable questions as "'Why?'... 'Wherefore?' and sometimes... 'Inasmuch as which'", yet he does not even notice that his own tail is missing. And despite his incessant complaints, it would be a mistake to assume that he does not want a place within the community. Indeed, Eeyore frequently wants to be the center of attention. Although at the end of each book Pooh is recognized as the hero of the stories, it is Eeyore who wants center role in each event. In Winnie-the-Pooh he assumes the party is for him. Readers often associate Eeyore with unremitting gloominess, but there are a number of times when he is quite happy. When his tail is returned to him, and when he receives birthday presents from Pooh and Piglet, for example.

Eeyore is not simply self-involved, he does also care about others. When on his birthday he learns that Piglet had fallen with the balloon, his first question is not about the condition of his present but of his friend: "You didn't hurt yourself, Little Piglet?" (p. 69). Eeyore is also willing to lend assistance when Tigger needs breakfast, Small needs finding, Tigger and Roo need helping down from a tree, and when Roo is swept away in the stream. When him is told about the destruction of Owl's house, he immediately tries to find a new house for him. He finds this house but because of his past parochialism, he does not realize that it is Piglet's house.

In the end of The House at Pooh Corner, when they take leave of Christopher Robin, Eeyore, the cynical outsider, becomes even the one to speak for the others.

Description: An old grey donkey, 3 years old, about 45 centimetres tall and 70 centimetres long. Stuffed with sawdust.
More Description: Intelligent and quiet. Keeps to himself. Always depressed.
Favorite Food: Thistles.
Favorite Things: Being remembered on his birthday.
Things He Hates: Being bounced.
Biggest Problem: His tail keeps coming off.
Second Biggest Problem: His house keeps falling down

10 Real Facts About You
1. live in yonkers
2. 25 years
3. drive nissan pathfinder
4. love eeyore
5. want to get married at disney
6. have a cat named manchado
7. work with disabled people
8. like scrapbooking
9. like going to the movies alot
10. still live with parents

9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
1. be honest
2. be sincere
3. be considerate
4. have fun
5. make me laugh
6. make me feel comfortable
7. be charming
8. be loving
9. be open minded

8 THINGS I HAVE IN MY PURSE.
1. keys
2. wallet
3.money
4. registration for car
5. sometimes makeup
6. credit card
7. 2 dollar bill
8. receipt that have to be thrown out

7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. stupid people
2. ignorant people
3. traffic
4. lines
5. manchado's hair
6. parents when they're whiny
7. not completing stuff

6 PLACES I'VE VISITED
1. el salvador
2. ocala/ orlando/ miami
3. washington dc
4. philly
5. new jersy
6. los angeles

5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. learn how to play guitar
2. find true love
3. travel through europe
4. pastorship
5. surf

4 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO
1.daisy
2.mom
3. dad
4. checho

3 THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF

1. loneliness
2. aimlessness
3. failing

2 THINGS YOU DO EVERYDAY
1. shower
2. drive

1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
1. joe f.

My name is: erika
When I'm nervous:bite my nails or cry
The last song I listened to: to ready to make nice by dixie chicks
If I were to get married right now my best man/woman would be: daisy
I have a hard time understanding: anything
If I won an award, the first person I would tell: everyone who calls me!
Most recent thing you bought yourself:bohemian bed spread
Most recent thing someone else bought me: food
My favorite hair style is: straight and shiny
My middle name is: esmeralda
In the morning I am: wondering what i have to do today
Last night I was: blogging
if I was an animal I'd be: a cat
A better name for me would be: childofzion2000
Tomorrow I am:working and then going to esl classes
Tonight I am:watching tv and going to sleep
My heart is: unbreaking

Interview with VH1's the pick artist's Brady Sprunger by Jessica P. Wallin

There has been a gaggle of deliciously seedy reality T.V. shows on VH1 as of late…I’ve seen the leftovers from 90s boy bands shake their old, fat, drunk bums on Mission: Man Band, I’ve watched Bret Michaels and his perpetual stiffy get doted over by some skanky chicks on Rock of Love, and I’ve watched Chachi finally settle down on Scott Baio is 45 and Single. One of the latest shows, The Pickup Artist, depicts a bunch of geeks learning the art of macking, as this Criss Angel wannabe “Mystery” shows them the methods of being a sleazebag and picking up what look like contestants for Rock of Love 2.

One of the guys they’re trying to pass off as a geek is Brady Sprunger. When I first saw Brady and learned that he was a photographer, I leaned over and asked my boyfriend, “What’s wrong with this guy? He’s completely adorable!”

And yet, they’re trying to act like there’s something wrong with him, and that the only way he can get a girl is by learning a list of cheesy pickup lines, such as, “do you floss before or after you brush?”

Personally, this sort of thing would not work on me, and I’d laugh my butt off if “Mystery” ever approached me and demanded I buy him a drink. But, perhaps I am just as nerdy as one of the contestants…maybe even more so! Even so, I simply cannot seem to wrap my head around this technique. Are women really that stupid? And are these guys really so ignorant as to take this trash as gospel?

I’ve decided to get to the bottom of this. And after an interview with Mr. Sprunger, he softened my cynicism a bit.

Enigma Magazine: How did you hear about the show? How did you audition, and what do you think made you get selected?

Brady Sprunger: I actually heard about the show on Craiglist. It was looking for “lovable losers” who needed help talking to women. I responded with an email and a picture, and they called me and had me come in for an audition. It wasn’t until about 3 months later that they called again and wanted me to come back for a second audition. The point at which I felt like they decided to have me on the show was when I told them that I wanted to wait until marriage to lose my virginity. After I said that, the woman in the room said “Aww, that’s so sweet! We don’t need to ask him anymore questions.”

EM: What were your thoughts when you first entered the house?

BS: It was awesome. There were so many guys with huge video cameras, and I was meeting all of these guys. It felt so surreal.

EM: How did/do you get along with the other guys in the house? Did you make any lifelong friendships? Was there anyone there you just couldn’t stand?

BS: I really felt like I bonded with all the guys in the house. We were all so supportive of each other. Even though it was a competition, we were all trying to help each other study and help each other win. I know, it sounds crazy, but it felt like you’d almost be happy to go home, knowing that one of your buddies got to stay in your place. I felt like the only guy that kind-of got on everybody’s nerves was Fred (the 45-year-old virgin). He really didn’t appreciate the fact that we couldn’t have cell phones or Internet access and that we didn’t have the freedom to leave the house. But after he was gone, everything was great.

EM: What were your first thoughts when you met Mystery, J-Dog, and Matador (the master pickup artists/teachers)? What did you think of their technique?

BS: These guys were really fun to be with. They seem pretty stern on the show, but a lot of that is just the lines that they have to do. Off camera they were really encouraging and helpful. Although I don’t agree with their ideas about getting women into bed, I do have to say that their concepts are pretty good. The idea was that pickup lines don’t work, but pleasant openers do. I think the biggest thing that I took away from my experience with Mystery is letting go of your outcome. In other words, don’t have an agenda when you’re talking to girls, and don’t try to get anything out of them.

EM: Have you found Mystery’s method helpful?

BS: Very much so. I really felt like my biggest downfall was that I was never making myself vulnerable to women. I could build attraction, but I never allowed myself to share my feelings about them. This is obviously a vital part, I guess it was just the illusive obvious for me!

EM: What’s your favorite pickup line and why?

BS: One of my favorites, and probably one of the most used is “Hey do you know 80’s music? because I’ve got this song stuck in my head… You know that song ‘You spin me right round baby right round…’ yeah, do you know who sings that? Because I can’t think of it.” This opener is just so nonthreatening, and it really breaks the ice. It’s something that you can say anywhere, anytime.

EM: What have you learned most from this experience?

BS: Stop worrying about what could go wrong and start anticipating what could go right.
Seriously, I feel like I practiced this religiously during this entire experience.

EM: How do you feel you fared verses the other guys in the house? Do you find any of your attempts better or worse than the other guys?

BS: Well until the show came out, I could only guess how the other guys did, since none of us got to see the other ones in field. And after watching how we did in field, I really feel like they just left out so much stuff that you still can’t tell how you did! (Laughs) I feel like I did pretty well, but conversation is more of an art than anything else, and it’s really hard to judge.

EM: If you had the opportunity to do it all over again, would you? Why or why not?

BS: Well if I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I think there would be a few things I’d do differently, knowing what I know now. But yeah I’d do it again, just differently!

EM: Tell me about your photography and what you do for a living.

BS: Well right now I just shoot photography for a living. It’s really kind of off and on; I basically just take on the projects that I’d enjoy most. I really try to enjoy everything I do.

EM: Has being on this show helped you or hurt you in any way? How so?

BS: Well it’s really weird to be so recognized, I’ve had so many people stop me and say things like “Hey! Has anyone ever told you that you look like that guy from ‘The Pickup Artist’? YEAH! Has anyone ever told you that you look like him?” And so many people know my name without me telling them; it’s really weird. It’s really fun to be able to make somebody happy just by saying hello to them!

EM: How do you do with the ladies now? Do you have a girlfriend? If so, did you use Mystery’s curriculum to your advantage?

BS: I don’t have a girlfriend right now, but I definitely feel like I have a lot of options, which I never felt like I had to this degree before. I suppose I always did, but now I just believe it’s true. I feel it really comes down to just getting your ego out of the way and finding joy in making another person happy, whether or not you get anything out of it. Plus the method helps, because it kind of gives you an outline of how to accomplish that.

EM: Did you ever find Mystery’s teachings a bit corny or forced? Did you ever wonder about what kind of girls would be perceptive to such methods?

BS: Well, I think his teachings sound corny and forced if you’re using them to get a girl into bed. I feel like things tend to sound corny and forced when you’re trying to manipulate people. A lot of things Mystery teaches are things that people who don’t have agendas do, like have casual body language, don’t come on too strongly, say things that would show her that you’re not trying to just impress her.

EM: If you had one thing to do over, what would it be?

BS: I wouldn’t have told the dirty joke in episode 4!

EM: Why platinum blond?

BS: I love platinum blond!

EM: Did you ever feel like you were losing yourself in essence to become someone you weren’t? Did you ever feel like Mystery was turning you all into cookie cutter mack daddies?

BS: I felt like there was a large emphasis on kissing and picking up on girls. I really like getting to know girls for a much longer period of time, this was pushing you to move very fast.

EM: Well, thank you for taking the time to talk with me. To clarify, are you still waiting until marriage to have sex?

BS: Definitely still waiting until marriage!

The Pickup Artist airs on Monday nights at 9 p.m. on VH1. You can see Brady Sprunger’s photography at http://www.bradysprunger.com.
by Jessica. P. Wallin

i'm in love with brady sprunger.....

not really. i don't really believe in falling in love with a celebrities. i just happen to admire him alot. i've recently noticed that i'm attracted to church boys. it's not because they don't lie or they're supposedly "good guys" or anything like that. it's their passion for God. it inspires me. it's something i envy. i wish i had it. i did have it once, but i chose to give it up. no one will really understand this unless they've gone through it, like most other things. it was a decision that i took because of different reasons. even though i know i'm not the only person in the world who has gone through it, it could feel like it. i had a recent conversation with this guy. he was the last person in the world that i thought could understand me. i never told him what happened, but he knew enough to tell me that my "depression" comes from isolation. it's true and i was surprised as hell. i separate myself from people to avoid connecting with anyone. it's seems so much easier to just be apart than to be emotional involved with anyone on any type of level sometimes. i only have a handful of real friends. everyone else is just THERE. i didn't really think i would have any need to socialize, but i think it's time i start coming out of my shell. sometimes i think there's no point of coming out if i'm just going to go back in. i get alot of "why are you so quiet?". it's so annoying. IT'S BECAUSE I WANT TO BE! i get so angry about stuff, especially the past. some people think that i need to "just get over it". that's the answer to my problem. just put everything behind and start over. i think it's good advice, but it's not going to happen until i'm good and ready. i'm taking these baby steps and, even though i'd love to skyrocket, it's almost satisfactory for now. i think that i just need to hang around other brady sprungers. people that have ambition and contagious sense of openness. i know i've been forgiven for what i've done, but now i just want left alone.


Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

Dixie Chicks~ not ready to make nice

too late to apologize

I'm holding on your rope, Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say..."Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeahI said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

ONE REPUBLIC~ too late to apologize