bye portland pl

for the first time i'm sad about moving. we lived in this apartment for about 10 months. when we moved here, i was so happy to live somewhere that's spacious and had some style. now we're moving cause my parents bought this condo. i guess after time i will like the condo, but right now i'm going to miss this apt alot. i had some good memories here. like, throwing down my christmas tree, my lil cous. sleepin over, daisy staying a week with me, my first couple of dinners in the apt. what i'm going to miss the most about this apt is having a living room that actually looks like a living room. it was nice and clean (sometimes) and i would watch movies and be alone after work. i love it!

indian

there's this hot indian guy i'm talking to. i really really really like him and he fucking drives me crazy. i don't think i can ever tell him that though. he has a lot of issues and sometimes he confuses me. he says he wants one thing but he forgets and asks for something else. i like him so much because i never met anyone like him before. he's open about some embarrassing things and he doesn' t care what people think. i love it when we ride in his car and hold hands. he starts talking about bullshit or things that really close to his heart. whatever it is, i love watching him talk and smile. i love his mouth. i think that's what attracted me to him. his lips are pouty and his teeth are so white and straight. when he smiles at me i think of jumping him! he's so cute!!

drained.

i've noticed two parts of my life are extremely draining: church and my love life. i was remembering a conversation i had with Chris. we were talking about goals and how he wants to bring his son here from Colombia. when talking about family, i flat out told him i wasn't interested in guys and i want to be alone. even though that's 100% true, i do feel the void (emotionally and physically). every time i get that itch, i try to remember my last 2 boyfriends. that ALWAYS smacks me back into place. the 1st ex was a good guy at heart, but he knew how to hurt me and did it well. the 2nd ex was a good guy too. i still love him, but we just can't be together. i feel like i just can't be with anyone, even if i really like the person. it would be too much to handle. i pretty much know how to deal with the guy thing without going off the deep end. sometimes i do think i will break, but i don't think it's because i really need anyone. i think i just feel empty, whether i'm with someone or not. i've been really careful not to find some idiot to fuck just the satisfy the loneliness. that would just be another problem. it's definitely getting harder though. as far as church goes, that's an enigma by itself. i can't explain it and i can't understand it. i just feel like i'm wasting my time going and i don't see what i'm getting out of it. i've been making an effort the last couple of month to see if something will change. it has. even though it's extremely slow and painful, i do feel like i'm changing. the problem comes in when i try to figure out if i'm change for the better or worse. whenever i go to church and i talk to my friends, i feel fine and almost happy. whenever i go to church and listen to the service, i start thinking about the past and how it effected me. i start wondering about my mistakes and what i'm doing wrong now. i wonder if anything i do or try to is worth anything and why is changing anything important in the first place. what if being a wreck is what i was suppose to be. what if i'm not the special snowflake everyone thinks i am. brady's message really touched me the other day. when i read it, i felt happy to know that being oneself is enough. i don't have to be the best at everything and there are people out there that will love and accept me that way the i am. people at church are really nice (most of them), but i feel like they just like me because they are made to. when i go to church i look for people that i feel do really relate to me. i don't really bother with the fake ones. that might not sound very christain-like, but i just feel like i don't want to be bothered with them. maybe that'll change. who knows? i don't anything. i'm confused. i don't know what's up or down. all i know is what i feel and that's my only compass. it's the only thing i know is real. i basically know what Pastor Lydia would say to me right now. she'd say i need to bury myself in the church. it's the only way to build up my faith. i have no faith. this is probably why i listen to my feelings more than what the church has to say. i don't believe the church; i don't trust her. i think it's because i've been hurt by people in the church. i know it's not everyone there, but it was enough for me to leave. that was something i never thought i would do. i was so grounded and in love with God. it hurts me now to think about leaving like that. at the time, it felt like my only option. i don't really think i regret it when i think about my expierence that last 4 years, but it hurts like a fucking bitch when i'm in front of Him face to face. i almost can't forgive myself for doing it now. i'll have to find a way eventually. THIS HURTS. A LOT. ...................... Bishop Ray heard me yell out to God once. he said i made a mistake and if i can believe it, it was erased from God's memory. i do believe it, but i can't erase it from my memory. until i understand it, i don't think i can. God will basically do anything to get me back. i'm pretty scared of that, especially because i've been warned. i don't know what to think of it, but i know that i didn't come this far for nothing. i know it's up to me now. everything is up to me. i just wish everything that's been holding me back was understandable. in understanding, i can forget. maybe i just need to understand myself more. i just need more time. i guess time will heal wounds.

i'm on hold.

Lately i feel like my life is moving very slowly. everything i want to do as far as goals are coming around when they feel like it. i guess it's not a bad thing to grow patience, but i totally just want to satisfy my id. i try to be very careful and not wild out on decisions. it really doesn't seem to pay off. either way i'm still not satisfied. i wish i had the opportunity to just go off the wall and the courage to do it. maybe in the future i'll take advantage . right now i'll just sit here scared.

i think my "being careful" is a cover up for not being brave enough.