bitter

i've been really bitter lately. i let someone into my heart (i know that sounds so fucking corny!) and he totally let me down. i was been pretty content with my life. almost happy despite not having a car and money problems. then this heart-wrecker came along and gave me the illusion of love and lust. it was quickly broken and shattered. now i'm just bitter. why take out of my happy cocoon just to just crush me. i feel like he took a sharp hammer and jabbed it into my chest. i don't know if it was intentional or not. sometimes i think it had something to do with his ego and sometimes i think that he just has his own problems he can't figure out. i think he can't figure out his ego. i'm so let down. even worse than before. i had a clear understanding that i needed to be alone and i only needed myself. no one else was going to make me feel better and love me the way i should be. but then this idiot gave me hope. he gave me hope in the fact that one day i would meet someone that was crazy about me and loved me for my defects. that they're someone out there that can't be with out me. but that belief has gone out the window. i knew of those feeling before this guy with someone. i was hurt before and refused to let it happen again. i was happy with that refusal. now i'm not happy with the knowledge that i can be in love again and no one to receive it. i feel hurt more than ever. i feel like i can love someone, but i just don't deserve it. i know it's not true, but i can't help what i feel. i have this desperation for love, even though i refuse to show anyone. i refuse to let anyone see how much they can hurt me. people will see me vulnerable and take the opportunity. i get mad about the fact that i can't trust people. i don't like the idea of myself becoming cold and heartless. i feel myself becoming more cynical and hatefilled everyday. i don't want to love anyone and i don't want anyone to love me. just let me sit and die. no love means no hurt. no hurt means no pain. so i'd rather feel no love to feel no pain. i don't know how long this idea will last in me. i tend to stay angry for a good while until the loneliness sets me. i wonder what's better for me, being lonely or being angry? i can't really say which. both can kill me. both take me to the same question that i've written about in other blogs, does love really exist? i know there's plenty of things that mask as love. i wonder if i will find it? what will i do with it? will i have it to keep or will i loose it again? if you loose a love, was it real?