phrophetic dream time!

ok it's been a year since i've written anything. lots has happened! but everything still seems the same....

well this is something i dreampt last night:

ok i was dreaming i was driving in a car. i looked up because it was raining. i saw like a storm surge or something come in with wind and rain. i must have been near the airport cause i saw planes take off. the first one came down with the wind. it couldn't get very high up. the second one fell too. then the third one fell. the fourth one was right over us and started to fall. this time i saw it hit the ground. flames came out the engine and it started rolling fast directly toward me. i thought to myself "this is it" (this is how i'm going to die). i closed my eyes because i didn't want to see the impact. i felt guilt in my chest because i knew i was being bad. so i prayed but i couldn't say or think of anything except "Jesus". then i felt the car jolt, but wasn't enough of an impact to kill me. when i opened my eyes, i saw the plane sliding past me. i understood my life was spared.

leave me the fuck alone!

ok, i'm real sorry if i'm not acting like a fucking angel when i'm piss, but am i really supposed to???? tonight was very unexpected. i was fucking mad as hell and i just needed some time to vent and relax. unfortunately i couldn't get that. i ended up giving it to my coworker this evening because basically i couldn't stand her crazy ass anymore. it really doesn't have anything to do with her, but it does have everything to do with the fact that she was purposely working my nerve. she wanted a reaction out of me and she ended up getting it. i feel a little sorry because i know this probably will change the dynamics of our relationship, but at the same time i'm proud that i didn't let her make me feel like shit. cuz i know that's what she wanted. i'm glad i do see the true side of her, but i'm sad cuz she's not the person that i thought she was. i really liked that person. but oh well, now there's just another reason for me not to stick around. oh well. :P

new kids

i love new kids on the block. i wish i was a crazy groupie that follows them around the world and stuff. i'm so excited. i don't know why. i really have to see them again. i saw them twice but i don't care. wanna see them!!!

shocked!!

i recently learned that a number of my pastors have left the church! i really can't judge these people. first because it is a sin and secondly because i myself have left the church. i've written earlier blogs about how guilty and empty it feels to just give up on something you thought was your core. something that is the center of your being. you feel like you're not the same anymore and the world is off its axis. nothing's really going to be the same at all. when i heard about these pastors, my heart went out to them. i know how hard it is to turn away and now only be remembered for only the bad and not the good. sometimes the worst accuser is yourself. i pray that they did make the right decision and the God has mercy when judging them. i pray that this wasn't a mistake and it is God's plan. i pray that God gives them more discernment and that they shouldn't be moved by anything that isn't of God. i pray that is it a positive act and nondistructive to the church itself. i pray that the same mistake will not be repeated and the damage will change into growth for our future. God has a way of turning death into life. He's done it before and i believe that He will do it again.

bitter

i've been really bitter lately. i let someone into my heart (i know that sounds so fucking corny!) and he totally let me down. i was been pretty content with my life. almost happy despite not having a car and money problems. then this heart-wrecker came along and gave me the illusion of love and lust. it was quickly broken and shattered. now i'm just bitter. why take out of my happy cocoon just to just crush me. i feel like he took a sharp hammer and jabbed it into my chest. i don't know if it was intentional or not. sometimes i think it had something to do with his ego and sometimes i think that he just has his own problems he can't figure out. i think he can't figure out his ego. i'm so let down. even worse than before. i had a clear understanding that i needed to be alone and i only needed myself. no one else was going to make me feel better and love me the way i should be. but then this idiot gave me hope. he gave me hope in the fact that one day i would meet someone that was crazy about me and loved me for my defects. that they're someone out there that can't be with out me. but that belief has gone out the window. i knew of those feeling before this guy with someone. i was hurt before and refused to let it happen again. i was happy with that refusal. now i'm not happy with the knowledge that i can be in love again and no one to receive it. i feel hurt more than ever. i feel like i can love someone, but i just don't deserve it. i know it's not true, but i can't help what i feel. i have this desperation for love, even though i refuse to show anyone. i refuse to let anyone see how much they can hurt me. people will see me vulnerable and take the opportunity. i get mad about the fact that i can't trust people. i don't like the idea of myself becoming cold and heartless. i feel myself becoming more cynical and hatefilled everyday. i don't want to love anyone and i don't want anyone to love me. just let me sit and die. no love means no hurt. no hurt means no pain. so i'd rather feel no love to feel no pain. i don't know how long this idea will last in me. i tend to stay angry for a good while until the loneliness sets me. i wonder what's better for me, being lonely or being angry? i can't really say which. both can kill me. both take me to the same question that i've written about in other blogs, does love really exist? i know there's plenty of things that mask as love. i wonder if i will find it? what will i do with it? will i have it to keep or will i loose it again? if you loose a love, was it real?

what's up

well it's been a while since i've written. i'm been going back and forth between things in my life, like money, relationships, parents, where i live!! i guess everyone goes through the same things, but i just feels hard when it happens to you. my biggest complaint right now might be not having a car. it's been 2 months now. i'm really starting to feel the effects of it. the fucking idiot totally fucked my shit up!! if he had stop or waited for the light to change, i'd still have a car. i greatest thing that happen this year so far was going to california!! i had the most amazing time just be with my family. i'd really would consider moving to cali if it wasn't for my situations here. i'd like to start over and being with cousins would be amazing. i really love them. i went to disneyland and loved it! hopefully all my bullshit problems are over i can go back to go concentrating on my "spirituality". as for now i could really care less. i do care actually, but i just don't the energy for so much drama. i just wanna party tonight, and that's what i intend to do........!!!!!

bye portland pl

for the first time i'm sad about moving. we lived in this apartment for about 10 months. when we moved here, i was so happy to live somewhere that's spacious and had some style. now we're moving cause my parents bought this condo. i guess after time i will like the condo, but right now i'm going to miss this apt alot. i had some good memories here. like, throwing down my christmas tree, my lil cous. sleepin over, daisy staying a week with me, my first couple of dinners in the apt. what i'm going to miss the most about this apt is having a living room that actually looks like a living room. it was nice and clean (sometimes) and i would watch movies and be alone after work. i love it!